inclusivity

Step up. Listen up. Shut up.

true A personal reflection on male allyship in gender equality, exploring how men can recognize their privileges, overcome barriers to engagement, and take meaningful action to support women in the workplace and society.

Raffaele Pizzari

27 Feb 2025 — 9 min read

Photo by Pawel Janiak / Unsplash

As is typical for such events, the atmosphere was friendly, with a variety of delicious food and drinks available, and comfortable chairs arranged in a circle.

At the event, one woman moderated while another gave a talk about her personal journey in IT. This was followed by a discussion.

I have always been aware of gender discrimination, lack of inclusion, and lack of diversity (especially in the workplace) in our sexist society. However, I never realized that I had a “male” point of view, meaning the perspective of someone enjoying unearned privileges.

The event helped me realize how essential it is to invest in diversity and inclusion events and activities specifically designed for women, by women.

I always believed that I wasn’t “part of the problem,” but I realized I was wrong. There was much more I could and should have done to be a valid ally.

It has been a long and difficult journey, but stepping up and taking action is not just an option, it’s a moral obligation.

The title of this post starts with “Listen up” because the act of humbly listening is crucial.

It ends with “Shut up” as a provocation to emphasize the need to amplify the voices of women.

This post is intended to summarize what I have learned, but above all, what I should have known a long time ago.

As allies, we have a moral obligation to take action.

In fact, among companies that actively engage men in gender inclusion programs, 96% report progress according to a study by BCG.

In contrast, only 30% of companies without men’s involvement show progress.

Investing in diversity and inclusion efforts designed for women by women is both necessary and legitimate for many obvious reasons.

However, it’s also crucial to recognize the key role of allyship in all its forms and varieties.

From my perspective, men have a full responsibility to create, enable, support, and spread the culture of allyship in an extremely clear, practical, and pragmatic way.

An holistic effort would certainly be the best way to go, but I won’t address this topic in this post, especially as it may wrongly lead to equating men’s responsibilities with women’s.

I have bad news for men who will read this post: we are not allies; we are enemies to defeat.

And if many of you find this statement unfair, thinking that “we did nothing to deserve it,” I can say that neither did the victims of sexism, inequality, and discrimination do anything to deserve it, but they still suffer it every day.

I understand that it could be frustrating to realize that you are causing a problem, but it would be even worse to realize it and do nothing to change the situation. Even though we are the enemy, I believe it is a moral obligation to act as an ally.

What is an ally?

A man becomes an ally when a woman acknowledges him as one.

To clarify the term “ally,” I will use an insightful definition found on AWIS’s blog:

An ally recognise unearned privileges i_n their personal lives and in the workplace. _Allies act on inequalities by taking responsibility to end patterns of injustice. Allies do this through supporting others, using their position(s) of privilege to bring visibility and tangible change to the systemic issues that differentially impact individuals, groups, and communities. Effective allies recognise their own histories of oppression and use them as a tool to empathise with others without assuming shared experience or shared oppression.

I couldn’t have said it better.

What does it mean to not be an ally?

Flowchart diagram illustrating when explaining becomes mansplaining — Kim Goodwin's helpful chart on identifying mansplaining behaviors

Being part of the problem makes it difficult to understand how to be part of the solution.

Although there are many types of “fake allies” — at best ineffective, but unfortunately often harmful — we can identify three rather common patterns:

The Pedestal Effect, in which men are given special treatment and shout outs for even small acts of gender equality is understandably grating for women who for years have done the emotional labor and carried the load for equality with nary a man in sight.
Over-Focusing on men for example on the workplace or at women’s event, may ultimately strengthen rather than dismantle the gender hierarchy status quo.
Fake Male Feminist. You know this guy. He slings on feminism like a superhero cape when his boss is watching, to impress — or worse, seduce — women, or to avoid being labeled as sexist despite his pattern of sexist behavior.

(these 3 points have been quoted from this article)

Why men do not engage?

Fasten your seatbelt, because you won’t believe what I’m about to tell you: according to a study by McKinsey, over half of the surveyed men felt that having too many gender diversity initiatives for women was unfair to men.

Of this half, 66% disagreed with the idea that women face more difficulties.

Chart showing statistics on men's attitudes toward gender diversity initiatives — McKinsey study results revealing men's perceptions about gender diversity programs

According to Catalyst and the London School of Economics and Political Science, there are 3 key barriers that could undermine men’s effort:

Apathy (74%): A huge proportion of the men surveyed said that apathy, meaning a sense that gender issues do not concern men, stopped them getting involved in gender equity;
Fear (74%): Similarly, a large amount of men reported three concerns: fears about loss of status and privilege if they supported gender equality; fears about making mistakes when working with women colleagues (e.g., perhaps unknowingly committing an offensive act); and fears about other men’s disapproval;
Lack of Awareness (51%): Interviewees perceived that some men are reluctant to join in efforts to end gender bias because of ignorance — both real and perceived.

What raises men’s awareness of gender bias?

According to the Catalyst research, three key factors predict men’s awareness of gender bias:

defiance of certain masculine norms
the presence or absence of women mentors
sense of fair play

Of those three factors, having a strong sense of fair play, defined as a strong commitment to the ideals of fairness, was what most differentiated men who actively championed gender equality from those who were not engaged. — original post

So, to sum it up, the problem are lazy, cowardly and ignorant men.

Who would have thought that?

What should men know and do?

I have compiled a list of points that I believe are essential to take the first step.

These ideas were not originally mine, but were found on women’s blogs/sites while I was educating myself on the topic.

1. It’s not women’s responsibility to educate you

Teach yourself about sexism and misogyny and about how to recreate our culture to eliminate them. Just as it’s white people’s responsibility to educate themselves and figure out how to dismantle the racist culture we made, you men, the beneficiaries of our patriarchal culture, need to figure out how to undo your sexist and misogynistic ideas, belief systems, and behaviours. You need to figure out how to change internally and externally so that we live in a culture that truly values and supports women.Here’s a great place to start.

Source: Dear Men Who Wish to Be Allies to Women: 12 Things You Need to Know

Read more about this topic:

2. Doing this work doesn’t make you a hero

All of us should be feminists because being a feminist means you believe in liberation.You are doing the right thing.But you don’t deserve accolades or applause, just like a father doesn’t deserve these for changing his child’s diaper.

Source: Dear Men Who Wish to Be Allies to Women: 12 Things You Need to Know

3. Be aware of your privileges

The discourse around privileges is often translated into a discourse around situated power relations between different groups in a given context. It can refer to White Privileges and to discourses around identities.Privileges can be institutional, personal, societal, physical, political, etc. and operate through different levels, situations and forms. Identity marks as white, male, middle class, heterosexual and western.

Source: 7 Ways to Be More Inclusive in Your Everyday Life | by FairForce | Medium

4. Don’t interrupt in meetings

How many times has a woman sat down in a business meeting, armed with a notepad of fresh ideas, only to be spoken over by their male colleagues? A 2017 report published in the Academy of Management Journal showed that when women speak up “promotively” — broaching positive ideas or solutions — their voices go unheard. By contrast, men who engage in the same behaviour are generally rewarded with increased leadership and influence.To be an ally in the workplace, men must allow women to openly contribute their ideas. This can be done through being an ‘amplifier’; if someone proposes an idea, repeat it and — importantly — give them the credit.

Source: 8 things men can do to show they’re really allies with women

5. Listen!

A national survey conducted by menswear brand Promundo in 2019 found that 89 per cent of men think they’d be a good listener if a woman told them about an experience of harassment — but only 58 per cent of women agree.It might sound simple, but just sitting down with a female family member, colleague, or friend and listening to their problems is an invaluable part of being an ally.It also reduces the risk of ‘mansplaining’ — you heard it here first.

Source: 8 things men can do to show they’re really allies with women

6. Ambivalent, benevolent and hostile sexism

Understand those terms.

7. Stand up for coworkers even when they are not there

Being an ally for women means speaking up all the time, not just in their presence. Next time there is “just locker room” talk call them out.There is a difference between passive and active gender inclusion.Passive gender inclusion would be attending gender diversity workshops.Active gender inclusion would be demanding respect for women even when no one’s watching.

Source: How Men Can Be Allies — SoundGirls.org

8. Men’s rights are already included and you don’t need an alternative

Some men complain that feminism hardly bothers about men’s rights and sometimes the media also doesn’t pay much attention to it. It’s not entirely untrue and several social experiment videos have gone viral depicting our lack of attention towards abuses against men. Lindy West on Jezeble wrote Part 4: a list of “men’s rights” issues that feminism is already working on . However, there exist issues of false charges against men by women, misuse of IPC 498A in India, lynching on suspicion, and all these need to be considered under the same umbrella, since they are all rooted in patriarchy. So better if everyone joins hands to fight against patriarchy: the common evil.

Source: To Be A Part Of The Feminist Movement: 10 Tips To My Male Friends

9. Follow accounts focusing on feminism:

10. Send this article (or copy and paste it) along with other articles to your male colleagues.

Seriously, do it.

Conclusion

In this post, I am not saying anything revolutionary or new. Many people, especially women, have been discussing these topics for decades.

This is just an excerpt from my notebook, a simple attempt to be a mediocre or, at best, a good ally.

So please, don’t just listen to me.

Educate yourself, participate in gender equality events, financially support initiatives, ask the women around you at home and in the workplace, step up, listen up, and if you can’t be an ally, then simply shut up.